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When I sing certain notes my mouth goes sideways
(Come on, Lorde, fight the twitchies. You can do it!)
I have a rare disease called "resting Lorde face"
(John Mayer suffers from it too
Stay still, crazy lip!)
I told T-Swift and the squad, "hey girls, let's hit the loo"
(C'mon girls, let's whizz-wazz together)
I really don't believe that songs have to rhyme
(Where'd me squad go?
I thought we were mates, Karlie Kloss)

Here comes a 90s rave scene
I'd invite you
But I'm too young to be in this fogging club
I'm not 21, whoopsies
Did it frighten you?
When the bouncer asked to see our IDs
Yeah, I'm sixty-three
(Hey, wait, get off me)

I don't need bars for a good time
(Lorde? Lorde? Are you Lorde?)
Yeah, this Uber's all mine
(Please do not throw up)
Just like prom I'll stick my head out the limo (whoop! whoop!)
Hey driver, wait, why are we going so goddamn slow?
I'm waiting for it
Is red light, can't floor it

Fine, I'll kill time dancing on your car
That 5-star rating, I want it
Hit that drive thru and a order me a burrito
I cannot do this, I'm Uber, not Seamless

This was supposed to be my break-up party song
(Whoo! Men suck, men suck, men suck)
I'm sober as a judge and my whole squad is gone
(T-Swift? Girl from True Grit? Where are you?)

Where can I find some hot guys?
(Not too many places open right now
Maybe Greyhound bus station?)
This toilet will do fine
(It's the guy from Fun.)
It's hard to find a place to practice my piano
(This is as good a place as any)
He wrote this tune, that's why it sounds like a Girls episode
Cause Lena Dunham's his girlfriend, she done him

His playing stunk so I had to go
(What are you doing? It's late, b*t*h, please shut it)
Come on, Vartoosh, will you please take me home?
Just take a test and get your learner's permit
How did this ride cost me 300 bones?
It's 1.5 rate, surge pricing was on it
My hair's in my mouth, I need a comb
I also have candy, water and breath mints

You are the only one who cares about me
You are my new squad but just keep on driving
Did I ever tell you that you're my bestie?
About a hundred, thousand times, Miss Lordie
You get 5-stars, you made my life less boring
This is the story of Driving Miss Lordie

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