CORRECT LYRICS
Lyrics : Friday Night Pyro (January 3rd, 2020)
XPWEW Friday Night Pyro
January 3rd, 2020
Houston, Texas in The Fert**ta Center
*Show intro*
Golden Bryce enters the ring to a pretty good pop, he’s popular here as the New International Champion (instant replay shows how he defeated Slayer for it last week at the 2019 Xtremey Awards edition of Pyro)
Golden Bryce enters the ring with microphone in hand and hyped up the Houston crowd to his dismay he is interrupted by The XPWEW World Champ Champagne Clausen who enters wearing Louis Vuitton red bottom shoes and a canary suit, looks pretty G I’ll admit it.
-Champagne says Golden Bryce is just like Deshaun Watson of the Houston Texans, *crowd boos* Unproven and Overrated. *crowd boos*
And as a man from upstate New York, myself I am very excited to see my Buffalo Bills beat you guys tomorrow ha ha ha *crowd boos* BILLS MAFIA!
Golden Bryce smiles and nods “Champagne if I’m the Houston Texans then maybe you are the Buffalo Bills, maybe that’s applicable because just like Bill Mafia I think you’d look a hell of a lot better going through a table *crowd cheers*
Champagne “HA HA HA! Yeah Houston laugh it up, yeah look at you Bryce so pathetic, clinging on with sports jokes, timely references to draw the ire of this crowd here. Truth is nobody likes you and everyone here is tired of you and I know we haven’t been properly introduced but I’ll do that now. I’m Champagne Clausen. I’m YOUR world champion. I’m (SHUT UP!) I’m Houston’s world champion and I am not scared of your challenge. As a matter of fact I endorse it. I’ve beaten Masato Tanaka twice on pay-per-view! Okay I beat the lovable moron Freight Train last week, I even did something you didn’t Bryce (heh) I actually beat Jake Awesome. (Crowd ooos)
Bryce: “So what’s the deal are we doing a Tables match?” (Crowd pops)
Champagne “On God. On Bills Mafia as my witness...You’re damn right” (Champagne cheers his world t**le with Bryce’s I-N t**le around his waist) *walks away*
-Ethan Bedlam already in the ring, loosening up and hyping himself up
Garrett Thompson enters
M1: (((Squash Match)))
Garrett Thompson defeats Ethan Bedlam
After the match: All Man comes out with All Woman and goes to speak towards GT but Scott Steiner j*rks the mic right out of his hand *Big Pop*
Scott Steiner: “Houston! We have a problem that crumpet and tea drinking big b*st*rd wants a piece of the biggest arms in the world! Ha I’ll break your back you goof!
((Garrett yelling obscenities))
Steiner continued: “All my freaks here wanna see the Big Bad Booty Daddy put a beatdown on some punk that’s why you better find a partner or else get slumped by me and the All man, or just fold like a b**ch (crowd pops)
GG enters and starts punching All Man and Scott Steiner and GT runs up to the ramp and we have an impromptu 2 on 2 right now
M2: Tag Team Match
GT & GG defeat Scott Steiner & All Man w/ All Woman
The match ends when GT hits Steiner with the elbow smash to which GG hits his finisher “The Plunge” off the top rope for the 1-2-3 - All Woman was just a little too slow to break up the count and the tag division might just have a new team in GT & GG (Quite odd bedfellows)
Backstage: James Westerbeck is here for an interview with John Oliver and John just says he’s happy to be here on Friday Night Pyro and since doing his segment on professional wrestling on his show “Last Week Tonight” a few months ago he’s become obsessed with the culture and it’s just a thank you fest until women’s Champ Amy Lee enters with Brian Lee behind her (silent). Amy says she doesn’t like when people who aren’t wrestlers get involved in her business. Oliver makes a quick wit joke “I don’t like when people who aren’t talented at communication get involved in the act” *crowd oohs*
Amy: “Are you calling me stupid? I could break your little a** in half boy”
Lola Starr enters “John, I love your show I watch it every week. I respect your open minded opinions”!
Amy towards Lola: “What the hell do you think your doing freak!”
Lola Starr: “I’m stepping up and ive been here for months and I’ve yet to be given opportunity, being showcased. It’s like I got signed because of the headline. Yes. I’m trans and yes I identify as a woman and yes I am going to challenge you for that t**le. Tonight.
Amy (looks at Brian Lee)....You got it, let’s see what you goin. (Amy looks at John Oliver and gives him a huge dramatic pull in sloppy kiss).....
Leonard, Dragon and Ms. Ryu enter
Joe Gacy, Brodie Croyle & Kiera Hogan enter
M3: Non T**le Match
Leonard McGraw & Dragon Kid (c) vs The Plagueground w/ Kiera Hogan
(((ENDS IN NO CONTEST)))
Match abruptly ends when 3M Ultra comes out and attacks Croyle and Gacy for revenge on them injuring his partner M3 Quintillo last week, He beats them both down with his XTREMEY award and at the climax breaks it over Kiera Hogan’s skull (rough spot)
3M Ultra angrily grabs the mic and says last week my partner was decimated for absolutely no reason by these a**h****s and then the damn company that I bust my a** for gave me that trophy! Really? “The WOAT award” Is this a joke? Get that camera up close I will be taking seriously
Leonard McGraw stances up “Son, do you wanna be taking seriously?”
3M Ultra “Hell Yes!”((Leonard McGraw decks him with a buckshot clothesline) crowd pops huge
McGraw: “I don’t give a damn if it’s Plagueground, The Larva, GT, GG, All Man, All Woman, Kiera Hogan, Hulk Hogan I’m fixin’ to whoop some a** and I’ll do it on anybody who wants smoke. And I got two words for every son of a b*t*h in the back F*** You
(((McGraw does the hook’em horns and the Houston crowd pops huge)))
Backstage: Doxy Deity is talking sweet and cute-like with Jordan Oliver until Ruckus, Siaka & Chrissy Rivera Walk up
Ruckus “I ain’t tryna buss on ya but b*t*hes really just waste your time pimp”
Doxy “who the f*** you calling a b*t*h, m*****f*****?”
Ruckus: Hoe don’t give me no nut roll
Jordan: Ruckus bro don’t man it ain’t necessary for all this beef right now
Ruckus: N***a I’m trying to win t**les ok and if we gonna be a team I need to make sure you got Noooooooo distractions and Dox, I, I, I, I respect you, you know what I’m saying but my boy here is young, he dumb and he over this (crowd laughs). Listen pimp I don’t care what y’all do, I might even get Chrissy to watch, sh*t but I wanna win gold and if you ain’t trying to do that, Then I might have to dip and go solo and get mines cause best believe Ima get mines.....
Rosemary walks by McGraw and Dragon Kid quickly and comes to the aid of Kiera Hogan her just got blasted in the head by 3M Ultra with his “WOAT” Xtremey Award..
Slayer enters
Dramatic pause between entrances because the crowd knows this is CJ’s final match
))((Chris Johnson Career Retrospective Video Plays))((
Chris Johnson enters the ring; one final time to his old theme song “Stay Fly by Three 6ix Mafia”
Chris Johnson’s wife Erin Brown aka Misty Mundae is in the front row of the ramp way and he kisses her forehead during his entrance
Retirement Match
M4: Slayer w/ Rosemary & Kiera Hogan defeats Chris Johnson
After the match and the loss the crowd pops for Chris Johnson
((THANK YOU CJ *clap clap clap clap*))
Chris Johnson grabs the mic: No complaints about the match, No complaints about this crowd, No complaints, No excuses. Wherever we were, Whatever I did. I always left my blood and sweat on this canvas and I’m not gone, I’ll be around but this is my final night as an in-ring compet**ior and...
***lights go purple***
LOTUS enters
((Lotus walks into the ring and Chris Johnson looks around, perplexed and confused.))
((Lotus kicks Chris Johnson square in the groin))
{{Crowd oddly pops for it though, Houston is weird}}
LOTUS unmasks
Nick Simmonds on commentary : “ Katie, that’s. Wait that’s..that’s Slayer’s daughter Hazel! What the world!
Kaitlyn Khaos on commentary: “Nick, Hazel has a very very odd past with Chris Johnson”
Lotus looks at a downed Chris Johnson “Do you remember me!!!! The anguish and abuse you put me thorough!!! You tried to take me away from my family. You son of a b*t*h I’ve waited a long time to do this!!!”
((Slayer beaten up and Rosemary looking on from the corner of the ring))
LOTUS goes outside and grabs a steel chair and beats Chris Johnson with the steel chair over and over again repeatedly until eventually even Slayer and Rosemary try to get her to stop and LOTUS looks at Slayer and Rosemary then just whams Chris Johnson with the chair really hard one more time. *Crowd stunned*
Chris Johnson is lifeless in the ring
LOTUS exits slowly by herself and then walks by Erin Brown (the wife of Chris Johnson). Drags her over the guardrail and starts pulling her hair and kicking her until Arena security gets involved and pulls LOTUS away kicking and screaming.
Advertisement: Golden Bryce and Dr. Disrespect “What is Twitch” commercial #2
HBO’s Last Week Tonight set up is put together pretty accurately in the ring
John Oliver enters
In ring segment: Welcome to Last Pyro, Tonight with John Oliver. Please welcome tonight’s guest the xpwew world champion Champagne Clausen
Oliver makes jokes at Champagne’s expense
Compares the vegetation of his father to the Brexit events
Regina Clausen is really the Ivanka Trump of XPWEW, because she’s talentless, has done nothing to earn her position, Only in said position because her father gave it to her and at times it looked like he wanted to have sex with her (crowd groans)
John Oliver runs down the numbers between Champagne’s 22-0 streak vs Jacques 89-0 streak.
John Oliver shows much sympathy for how the story of Freight Train has been one of hope and disaster
After sitting there for the most part taking in all of these insults Champagne sits up in his chair and Says
Champagne: “John I like you. I even like your show well I guess used to. I always start John Stewart did it better (crowd groans). John you come out here and mock my father, my sister. I don’t even care. They didn’t win this t**le for me. I wasn’t handed anything lest I remind you I worked very hard for the past 5 years to get to this level, to this stage. Hell, to even be in a monstrosity of a segment with someone like you John. And my answer is I don’t care. None of your jokes phase me. My dad is a vegetable. Yea. I drove my sister off the stage inside of a Pope mobile. I did that. John I’m not like a politician who will look you in the face and lie. I did these things. I’m glad my dad is in a coma. I’m happy my sister is damn near handicapped somewhere. And I’m freakin’ ecstatic that Freight Train’s Cinderella story last week came to a screeching hault.
John Oliver (was that pun intended?)
Golden Bryce enters
(Stage hands clear the Last Week Tonight set quickly but leave John Oliver’s table in the ring, this table match is gonna start
World Champ vs International Champ
Tables Match
M5: Champagne Clausen defeats Golden Bryce
(((John Oliver got mildly involved in the match but he didn’t take a bump, just ran away)))
The match ends when both men our on the top rope and Bryce was sizing up Champagne for the Super-Plex off the top rope and Champagne had the resilience to reverse it, slide down Bryce’s back and hoist him backward for the Electric Chair drop through the table and your winner Champagne Clausen!!!!
Champagne Clausen rolls out of the ring with ease and pushes over the John Oliver “Last Week Tonight” screen monitor then holds him world t**le up walking up the ramp as the show ends...
January 3rd, 2020
Houston, Texas in The Fert**ta Center
*Show intro*
Golden Bryce enters the ring to a pretty good pop, he’s popular here as the New International Champion (instant replay shows how he defeated Slayer for it last week at the 2019 Xtremey Awards edition of Pyro)
Golden Bryce enters the ring with microphone in hand and hyped up the Houston crowd to his dismay he is interrupted by The XPWEW World Champ Champagne Clausen who enters wearing Louis Vuitton red bottom shoes and a canary suit, looks pretty G I’ll admit it.
-Champagne says Golden Bryce is just like Deshaun Watson of the Houston Texans, *crowd boos* Unproven and Overrated. *crowd boos*
And as a man from upstate New York, myself I am very excited to see my Buffalo Bills beat you guys tomorrow ha ha ha *crowd boos* BILLS MAFIA!
Golden Bryce smiles and nods “Champagne if I’m the Houston Texans then maybe you are the Buffalo Bills, maybe that’s applicable because just like Bill Mafia I think you’d look a hell of a lot better going through a table *crowd cheers*
Champagne “HA HA HA! Yeah Houston laugh it up, yeah look at you Bryce so pathetic, clinging on with sports jokes, timely references to draw the ire of this crowd here. Truth is nobody likes you and everyone here is tired of you and I know we haven’t been properly introduced but I’ll do that now. I’m Champagne Clausen. I’m YOUR world champion. I’m (SHUT UP!) I’m Houston’s world champion and I am not scared of your challenge. As a matter of fact I endorse it. I’ve beaten Masato Tanaka twice on pay-per-view! Okay I beat the lovable moron Freight Train last week, I even did something you didn’t Bryce (heh) I actually beat Jake Awesome. (Crowd ooos)
Bryce: “So what’s the deal are we doing a Tables match?” (Crowd pops)
Champagne “On God. On Bills Mafia as my witness...You’re damn right” (Champagne cheers his world t**le with Bryce’s I-N t**le around his waist) *walks away*
-Ethan Bedlam already in the ring, loosening up and hyping himself up
Garrett Thompson enters
M1: (((Squash Match)))
Garrett Thompson defeats Ethan Bedlam
After the match: All Man comes out with All Woman and goes to speak towards GT but Scott Steiner j*rks the mic right out of his hand *Big Pop*
Scott Steiner: “Houston! We have a problem that crumpet and tea drinking big b*st*rd wants a piece of the biggest arms in the world! Ha I’ll break your back you goof!
((Garrett yelling obscenities))
Steiner continued: “All my freaks here wanna see the Big Bad Booty Daddy put a beatdown on some punk that’s why you better find a partner or else get slumped by me and the All man, or just fold like a b**ch (crowd pops)
GG enters and starts punching All Man and Scott Steiner and GT runs up to the ramp and we have an impromptu 2 on 2 right now
M2: Tag Team Match
GT & GG defeat Scott Steiner & All Man w/ All Woman
The match ends when GT hits Steiner with the elbow smash to which GG hits his finisher “The Plunge” off the top rope for the 1-2-3 - All Woman was just a little too slow to break up the count and the tag division might just have a new team in GT & GG (Quite odd bedfellows)
Backstage: James Westerbeck is here for an interview with John Oliver and John just says he’s happy to be here on Friday Night Pyro and since doing his segment on professional wrestling on his show “Last Week Tonight” a few months ago he’s become obsessed with the culture and it’s just a thank you fest until women’s Champ Amy Lee enters with Brian Lee behind her (silent). Amy says she doesn’t like when people who aren’t wrestlers get involved in her business. Oliver makes a quick wit joke “I don’t like when people who aren’t talented at communication get involved in the act” *crowd oohs*
Amy: “Are you calling me stupid? I could break your little a** in half boy”
Lola Starr enters “John, I love your show I watch it every week. I respect your open minded opinions”!
Amy towards Lola: “What the hell do you think your doing freak!”
Lola Starr: “I’m stepping up and ive been here for months and I’ve yet to be given opportunity, being showcased. It’s like I got signed because of the headline. Yes. I’m trans and yes I identify as a woman and yes I am going to challenge you for that t**le. Tonight.
Amy (looks at Brian Lee)....You got it, let’s see what you goin. (Amy looks at John Oliver and gives him a huge dramatic pull in sloppy kiss).....
Leonard, Dragon and Ms. Ryu enter
Joe Gacy, Brodie Croyle & Kiera Hogan enter
M3: Non T**le Match
Leonard McGraw & Dragon Kid (c) vs The Plagueground w/ Kiera Hogan
(((ENDS IN NO CONTEST)))
Match abruptly ends when 3M Ultra comes out and attacks Croyle and Gacy for revenge on them injuring his partner M3 Quintillo last week, He beats them both down with his XTREMEY award and at the climax breaks it over Kiera Hogan’s skull (rough spot)
3M Ultra angrily grabs the mic and says last week my partner was decimated for absolutely no reason by these a**h****s and then the damn company that I bust my a** for gave me that trophy! Really? “The WOAT award” Is this a joke? Get that camera up close I will be taking seriously
Leonard McGraw stances up “Son, do you wanna be taking seriously?”
3M Ultra “Hell Yes!”((Leonard McGraw decks him with a buckshot clothesline) crowd pops huge
McGraw: “I don’t give a damn if it’s Plagueground, The Larva, GT, GG, All Man, All Woman, Kiera Hogan, Hulk Hogan I’m fixin’ to whoop some a** and I’ll do it on anybody who wants smoke. And I got two words for every son of a b*t*h in the back F*** You
(((McGraw does the hook’em horns and the Houston crowd pops huge)))
Backstage: Doxy Deity is talking sweet and cute-like with Jordan Oliver until Ruckus, Siaka & Chrissy Rivera Walk up
Ruckus “I ain’t tryna buss on ya but b*t*hes really just waste your time pimp”
Doxy “who the f*** you calling a b*t*h, m*****f*****?”
Ruckus: Hoe don’t give me no nut roll
Jordan: Ruckus bro don’t man it ain’t necessary for all this beef right now
Ruckus: N***a I’m trying to win t**les ok and if we gonna be a team I need to make sure you got Noooooooo distractions and Dox, I, I, I, I respect you, you know what I’m saying but my boy here is young, he dumb and he over this (crowd laughs). Listen pimp I don’t care what y’all do, I might even get Chrissy to watch, sh*t but I wanna win gold and if you ain’t trying to do that, Then I might have to dip and go solo and get mines cause best believe Ima get mines.....
Rosemary walks by McGraw and Dragon Kid quickly and comes to the aid of Kiera Hogan her just got blasted in the head by 3M Ultra with his “WOAT” Xtremey Award..
Slayer enters
Dramatic pause between entrances because the crowd knows this is CJ’s final match
))((Chris Johnson Career Retrospective Video Plays))((
Chris Johnson enters the ring; one final time to his old theme song “Stay Fly by Three 6ix Mafia”
Chris Johnson’s wife Erin Brown aka Misty Mundae is in the front row of the ramp way and he kisses her forehead during his entrance
Retirement Match
M4: Slayer w/ Rosemary & Kiera Hogan defeats Chris Johnson
After the match and the loss the crowd pops for Chris Johnson
((THANK YOU CJ *clap clap clap clap*))
Chris Johnson grabs the mic: No complaints about the match, No complaints about this crowd, No complaints, No excuses. Wherever we were, Whatever I did. I always left my blood and sweat on this canvas and I’m not gone, I’ll be around but this is my final night as an in-ring compet**ior and...
***lights go purple***
LOTUS enters
((Lotus walks into the ring and Chris Johnson looks around, perplexed and confused.))
((Lotus kicks Chris Johnson square in the groin))
{{Crowd oddly pops for it though, Houston is weird}}
LOTUS unmasks
Nick Simmonds on commentary : “ Katie, that’s. Wait that’s..that’s Slayer’s daughter Hazel! What the world!
Kaitlyn Khaos on commentary: “Nick, Hazel has a very very odd past with Chris Johnson”
Lotus looks at a downed Chris Johnson “Do you remember me!!!! The anguish and abuse you put me thorough!!! You tried to take me away from my family. You son of a b*t*h I’ve waited a long time to do this!!!”
((Slayer beaten up and Rosemary looking on from the corner of the ring))
LOTUS goes outside and grabs a steel chair and beats Chris Johnson with the steel chair over and over again repeatedly until eventually even Slayer and Rosemary try to get her to stop and LOTUS looks at Slayer and Rosemary then just whams Chris Johnson with the chair really hard one more time. *Crowd stunned*
Chris Johnson is lifeless in the ring
LOTUS exits slowly by herself and then walks by Erin Brown (the wife of Chris Johnson). Drags her over the guardrail and starts pulling her hair and kicking her until Arena security gets involved and pulls LOTUS away kicking and screaming.
Advertisement: Golden Bryce and Dr. Disrespect “What is Twitch” commercial #2
HBO’s Last Week Tonight set up is put together pretty accurately in the ring
John Oliver enters
In ring segment: Welcome to Last Pyro, Tonight with John Oliver. Please welcome tonight’s guest the xpwew world champion Champagne Clausen
Oliver makes jokes at Champagne’s expense
Compares the vegetation of his father to the Brexit events
Regina Clausen is really the Ivanka Trump of XPWEW, because she’s talentless, has done nothing to earn her position, Only in said position because her father gave it to her and at times it looked like he wanted to have sex with her (crowd groans)
John Oliver runs down the numbers between Champagne’s 22-0 streak vs Jacques 89-0 streak.
John Oliver shows much sympathy for how the story of Freight Train has been one of hope and disaster
After sitting there for the most part taking in all of these insults Champagne sits up in his chair and Says
Champagne: “John I like you. I even like your show well I guess used to. I always start John Stewart did it better (crowd groans). John you come out here and mock my father, my sister. I don’t even care. They didn’t win this t**le for me. I wasn’t handed anything lest I remind you I worked very hard for the past 5 years to get to this level, to this stage. Hell, to even be in a monstrosity of a segment with someone like you John. And my answer is I don’t care. None of your jokes phase me. My dad is a vegetable. Yea. I drove my sister off the stage inside of a Pope mobile. I did that. John I’m not like a politician who will look you in the face and lie. I did these things. I’m glad my dad is in a coma. I’m happy my sister is damn near handicapped somewhere. And I’m freakin’ ecstatic that Freight Train’s Cinderella story last week came to a screeching hault.
John Oliver (was that pun intended?)
Golden Bryce enters
(Stage hands clear the Last Week Tonight set quickly but leave John Oliver’s table in the ring, this table match is gonna start
World Champ vs International Champ
Tables Match
M5: Champagne Clausen defeats Golden Bryce
(((John Oliver got mildly involved in the match but he didn’t take a bump, just ran away)))
The match ends when both men our on the top rope and Bryce was sizing up Champagne for the Super-Plex off the top rope and Champagne had the resilience to reverse it, slide down Bryce’s back and hoist him backward for the Electric Chair drop through the table and your winner Champagne Clausen!!!!
Champagne Clausen rolls out of the ring with ease and pushes over the John Oliver “Last Week Tonight” screen monitor then holds him world t**le up walking up the ramp as the show ends...
