(Charlie’s home is a one room tumbledown shack under a railway arch. He finds his grandparents waiting, as they always are, all four of them in the same old bed. As they wait for their cabbage soup to boil, Charlie notices there’s just time for a story, the only question is: which story should it be?)
Ten minutes till dinner, just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka!
Didn’t we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night?
No…
I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night.
And the night before that.
I don’t mean to be rude, Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old
and, well, maybe a bit forgetful?
Have we really never ever told the boy about him?
Not once!
Well, for his entire life the tot has not once told a lie.
I told you so.
But can we answer all his queries?
Can we cover all the theories?
All the bed's a stage so, dearies,
Let us try!
What a clever man he is
This Mr. Wonka
There's so many tales to tell
All about the tasty sweets
That made the people
Gather round for just one smell
Children gnawed
While in their rompers
Chocolate eggs between their chompers
Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue
Yes, Mr. Willy Wonka
Has a sex appel what makes me feel young!
There I said it!
Oh, you little minx!
From all around the world
They called on Mr. Wonka
Kings and queens and presidents
Even down in Rome
The Pope left home
And in the fact'ry took up residence
Dalai Lamas and their mamas
Had such episodes and dramas
Even Gandhi got himself into a brawl
For Mr. Willy Wonka
We all sing for he's the king of them all
There were sugar balloons
And macaroons
'T'were feathery sweets
And marshmallow treats
Transforming wheezing geezers to a child
And let me say that Mr. Willy Wonka
Whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild
Well, he does!
Tell the one about the Indian Prince
The one about Prince Pondicherry
Oh, you like the scary ones, don’t you, Charlie?
(sung)
Willy Wonka went to India
Near the kingdom of Madras
Where he met Prince Pondicherry
Who was rich but awfully cra**
He had wed a Maharani
Who craved chocolate for each meal
So he called up Willy Wonka
And he said
"Let's make a deal!
I will pay a million rupee
For a house to please her belly
We will be the talk of Punjab
And the toast of old New Delhi!"
"I will gladly build this fortress", Wonka said
"But just one thing…
It will be nice for the winter
But it won't last past the spring"
"For the sun will make a river
Of this chocolate Taj Mahal
"And you'll end up in hot chocolate
With your chocolate femme fatale
But the prince, he wouldn't listen
"Use a bonbon for the dome
I won't rest until my missus
Eats me out of house and home"
And so Wonka built a showplace
But when Summer came around
All the walls began to melt
Till every ceiling hit the ground
And the prince and princess perished
Drowning in the chocolate flow
Yes, they died 'cause they were greedy
Ah, but what a way to go!
Oh, but Charlie, then the spies came
Fickelgruber…
Prodnose…
And Slugworth!
Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared.
Wonka closed down the factory and no chocolate was made for a very long time…
But then one night the lights came back on again
And strange shadows appeared at the windows.
Yes! The factory was up and running again!
But how?
Nobody’s ever got in and nobody’s ever come out.
And that is one of the great mysteries of the chocolate making world.
Yes, the smoke returned to the chimneys
But the gates stayed locked and chained
And strange shadows…
Ghostly shadows!
Appeared at the window, unexplained
Yes, out went Fickelgruber, Prodnose, Slugworth
No one went in, which is quite bizarre.
But the factory churned
And the sweets returned
If we could only afford one bar!
So, Charlie, now you're up to date on Willy Wonka
Now you know what he's about
Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in
At least the chocolates still come out
Now once again each mother's daughter
Feels her mouth begin to water
In Brazil they gave up coffee
For a taste of Wonka toffee
Now each nose with sense olfactory
Thinks the fact'ry's satis-snack-tory
For a single whiff I might commit a crime!
Yes, Mr. Willy Wonka's…
Like I said
…A man ahead of his time!
I’ve still got it!
I’ve slipped a disk.
I think I need a pee.
I think I just had one.