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I feel better when nobody remembers i exist
par
Ethan Jewell
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I think I feel more relieved when no one remembers I exist. Because the butterflies in my stomach have flown trough my heart and are stuck in my troat. And I think for once I´m okay with being alone. No one cares when you cry. They´re only there when you smile. Sometimes i wanna reforce it all back to when I was a child - dealing with scarred knees instead of scarred wrists. Not feeling the urge to crush my bike... Will you remember me when I´m gone? The city is so busy, and no one can see the tears on my cheeks. Because I painted them blue so they will blend in. I tried to paint my black in the heart red again so it´ll beat faster - but I dont know why I even bother. Tell me. If I flood face down in the river this tuesday, who will be my lifeguard? Will the fish feel on me so at least I have a use? Or will I just decompose wake up, wake up? I turn my pockets inside-out, so you can see that I´m empty. I´ll hold on tight to the last text that you´ve sent me. I´m so weak. They say one foot in front of the other - but it´s hard when your own shoe laces are out to get you. They say one day at a time, but it´s hard when even the sun glares at you with angry eyes. Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall, but then he realized he didn´t have anything to live for at all - so he had his great fall! My own fantasies, my own cartoons in my mind can even be an escape. I´m backed in a corner, but I don´t have the strenght to choose fight or flight. So I give up and let it overtake me. If you have a second, maybe you can hear what i preach. Maybe you can watch me nail my hands on this wall. Maybe you can listen to me spread my religion of pain. Because it´s all that I know how to deal with this.
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