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Frodo Baggins vs. Ancient Egyptians
par
Freshy Kanal
Regreso
Letra
Part I A long time ago, Frodo Baggins slowly trotted across the Sahara As the sand wove its glistening waves over the barren landscape It intended to rid himself of the one ring by hurling it inside the volcano But on the way, a thought had struck his mind The Egyptians had invented the ring, so he believed And so he devised a plan He would bargain the ring back to where it originally... originally came from In hopes that someone would dare to carry his burden He first came across King Ramses II Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence Who dares look upon King Ramses during his daily rapping study? Oh I just wanted to inquire about, uh- Shut the f**k up, you peasant Beat me in a rap battle first and only if you win, I may hear you out Should you be worth my time Nobody as great came before me (Glory!) But I should call you Ra, cuz you bore me (Snoring!) Like my farmers, you'll be begging me for more beef (Corny!) Take my chariot warriors and crush your hairy a** horse feet You trample in my temple, to my land my reign is central You got three dwarves, a grandpa, and you act like the Avengers A**embled I'll make your throat burn like a roasted Adam's apple I expand land on my camels, you fall off the f**king saddle Yes, I battled in Kadesh, and now I'll kill you in your cottage Then I'll take your little hobbits and I'll send them to the prophets You better know where your God is, before my plagues hit your poor lord I leave more doors crossed while you're crossing into Mordor Excuse me! Your rhythm is so damn off You're late on this track, call you Gandalf Man, let's be real. All your people are hungry I got the fam in the back, you got a famine in your country It's Frodo going solo on this bozo, you got no hope Don't go toe-to-hairy-toe with this smoke-toting GOAT, though I'll call you your farmers, cuz you got no hoes No joke, I'm the pro when I roast foes I got the know to grow flows, and I'm smoking you loads Like when Moses hit you with a 360 no-scope Your corpse is looking bare, I have something to improve it You'd like it Ramses, its got a nice ring to it It can take any foe you request out of your way I don't want your silly ring Okay.... But I do know somebody who might take your stupid, sh*tty, no b*t*hes ring Maybe ask King Tut inside that weird triangle thing in the desert Part II And so Frodo took his stupid, little, sh*tty, no b*t*hes ring to the weird triangle thing in the desert There, he met King Tutankhamun Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence Brrat, brrat, brrat! It's the return of the King Tut Preserved from the crown down to deez nuts Don't try to stroll into Giza I'll split you in half like a tree trunk I slaughter every archaeologist Who wanders and pops open my sarcophagus Even in death you won't meet one as fresh as Tutankhamen is At eight years old they crowned me on the top of Heliopolis And I was still standing taller than this Hobbit did In my empire, I've never seen such a wacky face Even my harem would agree that you have no game You'd p*ss yourself before you'd ask out babes My palm trees are the only place you'd grasp a date I'm stuck inside a museum but I'm running the aisles And now this little peasant here is crossing my style? How was your pathetic past, you motherless child? Your parents drowned in a river, but now you're stuck in denial Do I really got to destroy this failure? His speeches were so sh*t they wrapped him in toilet paper I'm surprised you even remain intact You're filled with more preservatives than a Big Mac Your life has mattered? Your spine got fractured F**k Cairo, you need a chiropractor You set up those traps? Well, clearly I made it Who let the Home Alone kid on the Grave Shift? Your country took a whiny kid and placed him off the highest cliff But then he died at nineteen, dipped Forgotten with your time and scripts Barely inscribed in hieroglyphs I'll scrap you like the Bible did Only inside our minds to live, because they found your tiny crypt There's no human stopping me You got so much gas, you're tooting commonly Anyway, I wanna sell you this ring, bruh I don't want your silly ring F**K! But I do know somebody who will be born in a couple centuries after me Who might take your cringe-a** nae-nae ring Living inside that-that weird shack across the river Part III And so after thirteen centuries, Frodo arrived with his cringe-a** nae-nae ring at the weird shack across the river There he met Queen Cleopatra Who didn't seem too pleased about Frodo's presence Trying to touch my crown? You can't boss me (Uh-huh) So you better bow down like these palm leaves (Uh-huh) I put fools in their tombs, don't get c*cky (Uh-huh) Unlike you and your jewels, I can drop heat (Oh) I got kidnapped in a bedsack You're so boring, you make kids nap in a bedsack Make every guy kneel when I make noise with my bars My milk bath brings all the boys to the yard (Let's go) Try to hold your composure when all the Romans come over I got a whole league of soldiers, you got a hole in your shoulder Now I'm opposing this ogre, you're getting smoked 'til your toes hurt So just keep loathing your own worth So soft this froyo's a gogurt Got loafs, but ain't got Fro-dough in your pockets (Yuh) Lost your bro only to get trolled by that Gollum (Uh) Save your jokes, you can never cope with your problems (Yo) Your finger goes like this battle roast, b*t*h you lost it! I lost it? Please! You asked your brother to marry ya (Eugh) Kept that bedroom in sweet home Alexandria Who let Squidward near the eye shadow? All your marriages fell apart like the Sphynx, ha, got your nose! You're weak, Cle You keep stealing from Caesar's Salary I got beef, you just eat Caesar's Celery You turned everybody around you into a snake It's no surprise that's what made you slither into your grave! Now I shall be the sixth man who offers you a ring But this time it's not for love, just for the bling I know your hand is full, so I guess you gotta cram it I don't want your silly ring GOD DAMMIT! Part IV And so Frodo Baggins wandered into the desert once more But it was too much After thirteen centuries of no food The weak-a** pu**y finally kicked the Hobbit-sized bucket But something unexpected happened Instead of wandering into the afterlife He was visited by the God of the dead Anubis Ayo, Frodo Baggins What? I'm gonna grant you your greatest desire, taking the ring Oh And I'm gonna bring you back to the living world Uh-huh Under one condition You gotta defeat me in a rap battle No, no, no, please not another one Yuh No, no! Don't duel with Anubis These puny endeavours are fruitless The humans may foolishly count me as ruthless The truth is, when I see the cruelness in you, I choose not to excuse it Selling the ring, I can see what you're doing Deep down, you're scared that your heart will abuse it Let's clear the confusion, like statues in the room with Tutan I'll leave you in ruins I read hieroglyphs but I still can't decipher How you'd bawl with the embalmer, you got wrapped up by a spider Depended on your friendships ever since you left The Shire Yeah, he bails you outta fights, but with Sam, you're none the wiser I'm not the type of dude to say, "Off with his head!" Feed him with the dog with a croc for his head Look, even Sauron watches with dread Scared of the terror his coffin begets and your followers left Cynopolis still kneels down to me Since the dawn of my myth spawned Tied my name to the grave Cuz they know the God of the dead still lives on This is bloody unfair! If you have any decency whatsoever You will summon my friends to help me I shall accept those terms What have you done to Master Frodo? Yo, this is a 1v1, dawg Rap Frodo! Oh no! You must make this right, Sam Get the will to fight and then you'll strike Osiris' hype man That's my plan Sure to shorten your afterlife span Like your uncle did your father, I'll be killing the mic (Damn!) You're the worst god in Egypt since Creep Switch Your tale got ripped by the Greeks, that's a reprint Had a cult of believers, deceived Then the Middle East left for Jesus, that's a repent Who switched the look up? Anubis! Ditched your lover for your mama, a new b*t*h! I go hamly, spit sick like gangrene Who killed your family? Its the Gamgee! A righteous heart that's filled with anger I know the pain that death brings To ensure there comes no danger I'll take up this goddamn ring F**king finally Now Frodo will not die in vain I beg of you, Anubis Pleaser bring Frodo back to alive again Sam? Master Frodo! You've come back again like Gandalf! He did what?! Did somebody say Gandalf? You shall not pa** death twice! And they all lived happily ever after Except, Sam... he died
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