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In the Movies
by
Stephen Sondheim
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Lyrics
I paid sixty cents for the cab Ray paid sixty cents for the cab Sixty cents for the cab? Sixty cents for the cab? The meter only said forty cents Well, what about the tip? Twenty cents for the tip! Big spender! Big shot! Big tipper! I paid fifty cents for the hat check Fifty cents for the hat check I didn't wear any hat! I didn't wear any hat! So we don't have to pay for the hat check! So what about the gum? Thirty cents for the gum! You guys chewed the gum So pay me for the gum! I paid! I paid! And don't forget the Hershey bars! Stella Dallas had her dreams She would see her daughter dwell In stately homes and palaces Stella went to all extremes 'Til finally a wealthy fella Showed at Stella Dallas's Stella worked it pretty well But in the last a***ysis Though Stella's daughter got the swell All Stella got was calluses It just goes to show that even though Your family tree is bare You still can wind up the intended of A well-to-do millionaire It's so true! It's so real! It has such universal appeal And it proves Mr. Samuel Goldwyn Is nobody's schlemiel If a person treads the path of sin So her daughter can eat quail In the movies, she's a heroine But in Brooklyn, she'd go to jail In the movies, life is finer Life is cleaner But in Brooklyn, it's a minor Misdemeanor In the movies, when a girl has come From the wrong side of the tracks In a week, she has a wealthy chum Who can buy her presents at Saks You can start with a bagel And end up with Conrad Nagel On the screen But in life you wind up Right behind a Pillar in the mezzanine Feed the plot to the fish Life is not what the movies make it seem Still, we've got Dorothy Gish— We can lean back And settle for the dream I paid three bucks for the doll That's a personal present Mildred's your date! Mildred's your date! Mildred's our collective date! We all agreed to split her A personal gift don't count, though Split three bucks four ways: You and me and Ray and Dino— It only cost two— It only cost two for all that we know! Look what's coming: Valentino! Valentino— Vilma Banky— Lots of sand and Hanky-panky— Ah! Ah! Wearing a purple turban Panting, he holds his hand out He crushes her lips, she shivers and sighs— But wait till she tries Picking the sand out Ah! Hey, wake up there Theda Bara You're a long way From the Sahara... In the movies, you get kidnapped By a sheik dressed in silk robes On a sand dune built for two, you lie While he gaily kisses your lobes Then he murmurs, "Come, I bid you In my tent" yet But in real life, he says, "Did you Pay the rent yet?" When a girl needs male companionship On the screen she can keep cool She just slouches and extends her hips While she whispers, "Kiss me, my fool!" It's a movie tradition But when I'm in that position I get cramps So I fold my tent and Pay the rent and Leave the vamping to the vamps If you must Be like them And you're just Getting up a head of steam Never trust MGM Keep your hips in And settle for the dream
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