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Kant vs Rand
by
Rucka Rucka Ali
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GRAPHIC RAP BATTLE DEBATES OF PHILOSOPHY! IMMANUEL KANT VS AYN RAND! BEGIN! When the Enlightenment was standing on its final flimsy toe Everybody said just go with what you already know I stepped in and rescued, the Age of Reason was restored Your faculties are divided into 2 forms One is Intuition: when my fist immediately strikes your face And Understanding afterwards with concepts you place Giving identity both to your face and to my punches This is called Judgement, now is Judgement Day I have awoken from my dogmatic slumber with solutions And reversed us into a Copernican Revolution Of philosophy, a reversal of the trend With which all philosophers after me will be required to contend There are 2 worlds, the real one is called Noumenal You can think of it but cannot know it, it's the true form Which determines how your consciousness picks up material Which appears but isn't real, it's all phenomenal If you wish to find conclusive evidence, stop it! You cannot see an object, you only see the process Of perception which distorts your vision, but you use to see What is ethical, you ask me? Duty! Your respect for moral law must replace your inclinations The pursuit of what you want is reprehensible and dangerous Unless the thing you want is to be moral Then you are permitted to enjoy your moral status My Categorial Imperative supplies you with commandments and a purpose We will all act as arbiters of ethics and its servants Every action must be eligible as universal law And together we'll build a Kingdom of Ends like never before That was cute, Immanuel, but you saved the Age of Reason Like a slave master saves his subject from the pains of freedom For over 2 centuries, you've made the world abhorrent But today, I have diss bars more extensive than your forehead Your premises are faulty, you're salty at existence To the point that you declare reality is mere appearance You make reason a mere exercise to make some room for faith Just like you'd let in Epstein asking if there's children at your place One mustn't compromise with evil, and the rational is the good But just a drop of mysticism is like poison in your food You could do much better, Kant. Well, on second thought, you can't You're so dishonest you've automatized the lies you tell yourself Now let's be objective, I know a thing or two about it Your existence plus my consciousness equals headache for hours Your senses don't distort, they have a nature of perception To deny your observations is worse than a contradiction You could not be this big a moron while also being its opposite So try applying Aristotle's logic to your consciousness And see what you've become, the most evil of all philosophers I'd know you're German even if you didn't speak like Schwarzenegger You're being destroyed, boy, like you destroyed the fate of Europe By exploiting all the errors made by philosophers before ya John couldn't Locke an object to its features Giving Hume the skepticism that you needed to unleash epistemic doom And separate reality from reason so deceitfully You're like Plato on crack, he couldn't sink so low to think that man is Deaf for having ears, blind for having eyes And now men willingly march into gulags peacefully to die An ethics of duty? How original, Manny Like a heavenless, malevolent rendition of Christianity Your altruism justifies the sacrifice of man But now you're burning at the stake like the mistakes on which your premises depend Nice speech, Rand, if just a bit long I will admit you write a decent 3-hour monologue But please stick to writing novels, your philosophy's crappy And much like Epstein, you make 14-year-olds happy I'm regarded as one of the greats, you're a boring phase For adolescents with the moral code for no one making less than Bill Gates This is ridiculous, we're not in the same boat I am taught at Yale and Harvard, you're on clearance in Barnes & Noble If we were in the same boat, you would push me off the ledge To stretch your legs and you'd call it "the virtue of selfishness" We both never had kids, but the difference between us? I left a legacy, you left quotes on pins and t-shirts You never had children? Oh Kant, I beg to differ Your philosophy gave birth to Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Hitler I'm the spirit granddaughter of the inventor of fire I put every philosopher in history on trial Reconcile their dichotomies and prosecute their crimes Most of their work is defiled by evasions and denial I can integrate the moral with the practical, emotions with the brain And solve Plato's concept problem in a story about trains I could explain the relation of causality to consciousness, existence with identity, the body with the mind You want an A in philosophy? I'll give you 3: Aristotle, Aquinas And Ayn END BATTLE
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