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Juanita & The Kids
by
Ray Stevens
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I GOT A LETTER FROM THE IRS INVITING ME TO BE THEIR GUEST AT AN AUDIT THEY WERE CONDUCTING JUST FOR ME THEY SAID NO NEED TO WORRY, PROBABLY NOTHING WRONG JUST BRING YOUR WIFE AND YOUR CHILDREN ALONG WE JUST NEED TO CLEAR UP A SMALL TECHNICALITY NOW THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH AN AUDIT IS MY WIFE JUANITA AND OUR 14 KIDS FRIENDS YOU CANNOT BELIEVE THE REFUNDS THEY HAVE BEEN WORTH BUT IT WAS YEARS AGO THAT I GOT THIS IDEA WHEN I BOUGHT JUANITA THRU THE MAIL FROM KOREA SHE'S AN INFLATABLE DOLL, BUT SHE CAME WITH A CERTIFICATE OF BIRTH I WAS A SINGLE GUY WITHOUT ANY DEDUCTIONS SO I CLAIMED JUANITA AND WHAT A REDUCTION I RECEIVED WITH HER AS MY SPOUSE ON THE TAXES I PAY THAT WORKED SO WELL THAT EVERY YEAR AFTER THAT I REPORTED A BIRTH WHEN I PAID MY TAX EACH KID CERTIFIED BY CABBAGE PATCH USA Chorus: OH JUANITA (JUANITA) MY INFLATABLE SENORITA THE IRS WANTS TO TAKE YOU AND THE CHILDREN AWAY (AWAY- AY-AY-AY) YOU AND JIM AND TAMMY, LONNIE AND BURT FARRAH, CHARRO, MICHAEL AND KURT JAN AND DEAN, IRLENE, LOUISE, BARBARA AND LITTLE RAY (LITTLE RAY) SO I DRESSED JUANITA LIKE THE PERFECT MOTHER VELCRO'D THE CHILDREN TO ONE ANOTHER AND WHEN WE WALKED INTO THAT AUDIT THOSE PEOPLE NEARLY FLIPPED THEIR LIDS I SAID JUANITA MIGHT LAY AROUND AND NEVER COOK AND THE CHILDREN DON'T CLEAN THEIR ROOMS AND NEVER CRACK A BOOK BUT HEY THEY AIN'T NO DIFFERENT FROM MY BROTHER'S WIFE AND KIDS AND I GOT SOCIAL SECURITY CARDS HERE FOR EVERY ONE MY WIFE, MY DAUGHTERS AND ALL OF MY SONS ALL OFFICALLY ISSUED BY THE GOVERNMENT OF THE USA SO BEFORE YOU CALL ME DOWN TO MUSTER SOMEBODY HERE BETTER THINK TWICE BUSTER DO YOU REALLY WANNA BE THE ONE TO ACCUSE THE GOVERNMENT OF MAKING A BIG MISTAKE Chorus: OH JUANITA (JUANITA) MY C-OH-2 SENORITA THE IRS WANTS TO TAKE YOU AND THE CHILDREN AWAY (AWAY- AY-AY-AY) YOU AND JIM AND TAMMY, LONNIE AND BURT FARRAH, CHARRO, MICHAEL AND KURT JAN AND DEAN, IRLENE, LOUISE, BARBARA AND LITTLE RAY (LITTLE RAY) Bridge: THAT AGENT SAT THERE HIS MOUTH AGAPE THINKING OVER THAT GOVERNMENT MISTAKE AND HOW HIS CIVIL SERVICE CAREER COULD BE AT ITS END AND THEN HE REACHED FOR HIS STAMP THAT SAID APPROVED AND SAID HOPE THE KIDS DO BETTER NEXT YEAR AND SCHOOL AND WHY DON'T YOU AND THE MISSUS DROP BY AND SAY HELLO NOW AND THEN Chorus: OH JUANITA (JUANITA) MY INFLATABLE SENORITA LOOKS LIKE YOU AND THE KIDS ALL GET TO STAY (STAY-AY- AY-AY) WHAT'S THAT HONEY, YOU NEED TO GET HOME QUICK? YOU SAY YOU STARTED FEELIN' A LITTLE SICK? AND YOU THINK YOU MIGHT ONCE AGAIN BE IN A FAMILY WAY? WHAT'S THAT? YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE TRIPLETS THIS TIME? JUANITA, YOU ARE A WONDER! DO WHAT? WHY, OF COURSE WE CAN SUPPORT YOUR MOTHER! I EVEN THINK HER MOVING EXPENSES ARE DEDUCTIBLE TOO. DOES SHE STILL LIVE IN BANGKOK?
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