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(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs
by
Original Broadway Cast Of Hairspray
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Lyrics
I brought my own 45's, so if you just put them on, I’ll show you my stuff! Haven't you shown us enough? *councilgirls laughing* Oh, my God, how times have changed! This girl's either blind or completely deranged Oh, but time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs Childhood dreams for me were cracked When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act! But the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance! 'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! Proceed Are you scared we're on live? No, I'm sure I can cope Well, this show isn't broadcast in- CinemaScope! I never drank one chocolate malt- No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs How many sweaters do you own? Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty Let me see, I have three, five No, wait, I have twenty! I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs! A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny They all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money So I bought this station So all of our nation could see Baby Amber, and me! Do you dance like you dress? Amber, there's no need to be cruel Would you swim in an integrated pool? I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier! *Gasps* Not in Baltimore, it isn't And may I be frank? (sung) First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it! And so, my dear, so short and stout You’ll never be in- So we're kicking you out! You can't get past me kid, but it isn't your fault It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa! (spoken) Oh, you may go Uh, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well! Hello may I please audition? No, but you can bow and exalt (sung) 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs! Crabs, crabs! Crabs!
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