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Ukulele
by
3st
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Guys, I need your help! Brandon, quit being a b*t*h No, I'm being serious I'm in some real deep sh*t! Aw crap, is your d**k stuck In a Chinese finger trap? No! I met a girl on a superficial dating app Is she hot? Yeah dude! She's like a nine! Here's a picture of her Goddamn she fine! The only way this could be a bad thing Is if you were gay And I don't think you are So why the hell you acting this way? A little bit of fibbing Put me in this sh*tty position I might have lied in my bio And now she thinks I'm a musician And she thought that I was hot And she wanted to meet up Now we're going on a date in half an hour! He's f**ked Don't say that! Come on, guys I came to you for help You need to make me a musician I can't do this by myself! This is a long shot You're throwing from half court Mike, you know piano Can't you just give me a crash course? Damn it, Brandon! I can't make a man a pianist like magic It's gonna take practice So we're gonna have to find the instrument That you can learn the fastest Something really cheap and easy That'll make you seem attractive And lucky for you We just happen to have it The f**k is that? It's called a ukulele A useful tool of music To help you seduce the ladies Having one of these with you Makes it so easy to score That with only four chords Hoards of w****s can be yours I promise, it'll work I don't know if I believe you You hear that, Mike? Brandon says he needs proof Just sit back and relax We'll tell you 'bout the time we Took a crazy vacation To the state of Hawaii So we were sitting on the beach And Mike says to me Yo, let's try to get some booty From these hula dancing hoochies Long story short: it didn't go well The bikini babes see us and they tell us Go to hell! We must be ugly or something But f**k it, whatever Let's hit the gift shop And something to make us feel better In the corner of the store In an orderly display Were some genuine article ukuleles So we paid the man eighty-nine dollars My hopes of getting laid are fading away 'Till I hear Saverio say I've got it! It's clear that we don't have enough sex But I think that we just bought ourselves The key to success So we went back to the beach To those shawties in the sand This time with a ukulele in our hands We stood real proud With our backs to the shore And we jammed out To the world's easiest chords First chord: all the girls stop and listen Second chord: all the girls' tops go missing Third chord: all the girls get so horny By the fourth chord We started a Hawaiian beach orgy She do the hula on my d**k And she ain't even getting paid She putting flowers 'round my neck I'm about to get laid Got that pu**y on a platter And I'm about to eat up I go HAM on her pineapple Call that a Hawaiian pizza Didn't know it was December It's Mele Kalikimaka And every breast is a present She letting me lick her tatas Got a volcanic erection It's flowing over with lava I'm going nuts for her coconuts Treating me like 'ohana Props to all my Lilos and St**ches Pimp game difficult But I know the cheat codes and glitches Cheap hoes and b*t*hes Swallow my potential babies All cause we rolled up And played the ukulele Holy sh*t, did that actually happen? Well, what can I say? It's a gadget of pa**ion It's the simplest instrument And it's practically magic You could play a thousand songs Without having to practice Here's a paper with a couple written lessons And we'll be right behind you If you have any questions F**k yeah! Me and this girl are gon' get it on! Cut to us sitting at the restaurant Bonjour What would you like order this evening I'll take a tofurkey salad With very light seasoning Tofurkey salad... Very light seasoning Yup, I want that Oh hey! We ordered the same thing! Yeah, what do you know! We must be mentally linked So What do you do for fun? Well, I volunteer a lot I collect handguns... Wait, what? And in my spare time I like to watch GDP What about you? Uh Same! Yeah yeah, I'm totally into that Yeah Wow, I've never met another person Who was into German Dungeon P*** Yup I love it So you said that you were Gonna sing a song for me? Oh yeah! That's why I brought this thing along with me Ooh, how cute, a ukulele! I'm all ears, so go ahead What did you wanna play for me? Alright Brandon, the moment of truth A bold soldier on his own Armed with only his uke Do this right And the girl across the table is your lover No more hesitations Time to do this mothaf**ka! Ooh yeah F**k Sh*t Yeah Ooh-hoo Your eyes And your B*** F**k Ju-- Fu-- Mm F**k Your bu-- *cough cough That Was interesting Wait, what's that sound? Ooh uh oh Sh*t's going down I hear the soft jangling of strings from afar Holy sh*t, that guy has a guitar! Your eyes And your b*** Your eyes And your-- Guys, you told me this was fool proof! But this was unexpected! An unprecedented failure! But I did what you directed! I brought the ukulele And I played the four chords! Yeah, but his is so much bigger than yours How long did it take you to play? You know, couple days Ooh, your arms are so big Your so strong Oh, well thank you! I lift I lift boobs I mean, weights All the time F**k! That's what I call really bad luck She left me for a guitarist! I bet he only knows those four chords Yeah, he's probably retarded What's the f**king point Of using datings apps If you can lose your date To a d*****bag in a beanie cap? So, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna go home And jack off to her profile pic F**k that guy
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